Linwe Seregon Swifteye
by Kelaiah
Summary: [PARODY] It was just another day at the abbey Song was the Abbess, Dann was the Champion, everything was going fine. Then the Marlfoxes mysteriously come back to life, and a beautiful squirrel with everchanging fur comes knocking at the Main Gates.
1. Enter the Sue

Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress was a squirrel.

She was very young, probably about 15 or 16 seasons old.

And very beautiful.

Extremely beautiful.

In fact, she was the most beautiful creature ever.

Her lovely silky glossy lustrous shiny flowy fur and her freakishly large sparkly eyes framed in extra-long sooty-black eyelashes changed color with the day and the seasons:

In the day at springtime, her fur was a deep golden color and her eyes were amethyst-violet. Then she wore a purple tunic with a pink sash.

In the night at springtime, her fur was a dusky cream and her eyes aquamarine. Then she wore a pale blue-green tunic.

In the day at summer, her fur was fiery crimson and her eyes were bright emerald. Then she wore a bright green tunic.

In the night at summer, her fur was black with sparkling white spots and her eyes were like blazing sapphires. Then she wore a deep blue silver-trimmed tunic.

In the day at autumn, her fur was a wondrous red-gold and her eyes were shining amber. Then she wore a ruddy orange black-trimmed tunic.

In the night at autumn, her fur was a brilliant copper-red and her eyes were rich gold. Then she wore a golden-yellow tunic.

In the day at winter, her fur was a glittering silvery-gray and her eyes were sky-blue. Then she wore a pale blue tunic.

In the night at winter, her fur was a ravishing snowy-white and her eyes were a fathomless black. Then she wore a black tunic embroidered with gold.

Her voice far sweeter and melodious-er than Song. Song's voice, compared to this squirrel's, was as bad as a bad as Dotti's voice.

And she was on her way to Redwall Abbey. . . .

* * *

**_A/N:_** For those of you who have read my "Redwall and the Haunted Mansion" fic, you might be a little familar with this Sue. That fic sort of_ inspired_ this fic.

Hm, the characters in the "Haunted Mansion" are trying to rid this same Sue, and here she is in another one! Ho, boy, do we have trouble. . . .

By the way, "Linwe Seregon" is "Mary Sue" in elvish (my thanks to Tierney Beckett, a fanfiction author in the LotR fandom)! And if you take the first letters of the rest of her names, you'll get "Mary Sue" _twice!_ And her last name is "Swifteye." Sound familar, anyone?

Well, until next time, dear readers! _BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_


	2. Chaos and LOTS of Randomness

**Disclaimer:** First of all, I do not own Redwall. Second of all, I do not own Ara, the Sue-horde, about half the plotline, some of the dialogue, and lots of the humor. This fic is being synchronized with the ingenious LittlePsychoWolf's fic "Arawolf Beechclaw Sueslayer Extraordinaire." I strongly suggest that you read hers too, if you want to understand what's going on. Also, minor canon-bashing follows, so I would advise fans of the SongxDann pairing to be warned.

* * *

It was a beautiful day at Redwall Abbey. 

The sun was shining, the sky was a white-flecked blue owing to the fluffy clouds, the grass was green, the flowers were in bloom, and the trees in the orchard were all proudly displaying ripe fruit, even though it _was_ early summer. The still, crystal-clear pond reflected all of the Abbey's beauty.

However, things were not right.

Inside Great Hall, a throne had been set up. Abbess Songbreeze Swifteye lounged in the ornate golden chair, watching the big male squirrel shackled to the wall on her right. He was a handsome, well-built creature, clad only in a skimpy kilt and shoulder belt, through which the sword of Martin the Warrior was thrust. The perpetual look of confusion on his face changed to annoyance as the Abbess leaned down and tickled his exposed chest fur.

"WOULD YOU QUIT DOING THAT?" Dannflor Reguba yelled. Songbreeze, who preferred to be known as Song (wise of her, I must say) sniffed, but sat up and turned away, facing the other beasts in the room.

There was something unsavory about these four, and though technically there should have been seven, three of them were somewhere else in the abbey at the moment.

They were the Marlfoxes!

One of the abbey's most dreaded foes, believed dead and gone for many seasons, had suddenly returned, and nobeast knew just how they had gotten inside.

Narrowing her eyes and peering out from beneath her fifty-foot eyelashes, Abbess Song snapped, "Now I want no nonsense from any of you. What are you doing back from the dead?"

Mokkan spoke up, looking much more handsome than usual but still quite unhappy about the embarrassingly short kilt he was somehow wearing under his cloak. "I already told you, squirrel. I don't know! I'm assuming it's the powers of fanfiction, but-"

"Well, can you at least do something about your siblings? They're destroying my Abbey!"

Just then, Dibbuns and elders alike ran screaming from Cavern Hole; an impromptu stage had been set up and Predak and Ziral were enthusiastically performing 'Fergalicious.'

* * *

**A/N: If you don't know that song, look it up. LittlePsychoWolf and I are not hip-hop fans, mind you. It was her idea in the first place. Neither she, nor I, are asking you to watch or listen to the whole thing if you don't want to, just enough to see why it would be funny to have Marlvixens singing it.** **

* * *

**

Desperately, the Abbeybeasts ran outside onto the lawns, where they witnessed Gelltor running rampant throughout the strawberry patch, giggling dementedly as he whistled 'Tiptoe Through the Tulips' and devoured every berry in sight.

"Cwegga," said little baby Dwopple (who, it might be noted, had finally been given the spanking he so richly deserved and was behaving much better these days), "is that fox gonna 'splode like dat one mouse you tol' all us Dibbuns about? The one that wouldn't stop eatin' strawbees and 'sploded?"

"Yes, dear, yes," said Cregga absentmindedly as she gently patted him on the head, since her mind was busy attempting to delete its memory of Ziral and Predak's horrible little 'show.'

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Great Hall: 

"SEE?" Abbess Song demanded, gesturing at what had just happened.

"Look, lady," Mokkan growled. "I hate my sisters' singing just as much as you, and Gelltor has been acting a little...strange... lately, but they're not destr- Lantur, quit that, you idiot vixen!"

Lantur, who also seemed much more attractive, glared at her brother as she reluctantly stopped bashing the Abbey wall with a sledgehammer.

* * *

Bad as the current situation was, just then things got even worse. 

Redwall Abbey had just come into the view of Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilchyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye.

"Why, there's Redwall Abbey!" she exclaimed in delight (even though she had supposedly never been there and therefore couldn't know it by sight, unless she heard a lot of tales about it and often pictured it mentally, but let's remind ourselves, people...she's a Mary Sue!).

Laughing a laugh that was clear and sparkly like a bubbling river and laughing loudly in her silvery beauteous splendid lovely voice, the incredibly gorgeous squirrel with her ever-color-changing smooth glossy silky fur and huge sparkling eyes leapt and danced oh so gracefully towards the poor abbey.

She was almost there when- "Get lost, Sue."

Linwe, startled by the fact that anybeast would dare interrupt _her_, did a graceful backwards leap and sized up the speaker, who stood barring her way to Redwall.

It was a ferret somewhere in his late teenage seasons, wearing a pale green novice habit on his tall, lanky form. Hanging from its cord was a length of coiled rope, with a small but sturdy-looking grappling hook on the end. He wasn't extremely handsome or intimidating, but his brown eyes were narrowed and his white teeth showing in a fierce snarl. Next to the grappling hook was a long dagger, but he looked more than ready to use his sharp claws as well.

Although she was of course small and slender, especially compared to the larger, taller ferret, Linwe managed to look down her delicate nose at him even while gazing up (of course she could, she's a Mary-Sue; they defy logic).

"So, Kelaiah," she drawled, her normally high and bubblegum-sweet voice turning low and husky, filled with malice. "We meet again, but this time-"

The ferret rolled his eyes. "Oh, spare me the drama and beat it."

Linwe's lower lip curled. "I will not be defied like last time!"

"Those poor creatures in Southsward didn't need you as their 'dear little princess!'" he retorted angrily.

"Oh," whined Linwe, stamping her Cinderella-tiny footpaw, "They _made_ me their princess when I didn't want them to! It-"

"Yes, you did! You _willed_ them to make you their princess with your Sue-powers! Having the poor queen suffer a miscarriage and then having them conveniently adopt you, and that poor little squirrel that you used your "stubborn" enchantment on... face it, you needed to be stopped!"

Linwe narrowed her eyes, which had previously been a delicate shade of emerald, and were now a fiery, red-tinged molten gold. "It is _you_ who needs to be stopped!"

And with that, the charming, precious squirrelmaid threw an almost casual uppercut. Fortunately, Kelaiah saw it coming and dropped to the ground, kicking out at Linwe's footpaws. The Sue, however, jumped over Kelaiah's attack, turned a cartwheel in the air, landed in front of the gates and began pounding desperately on them with her dainty paws, about to cry the classic line of all Sues: "Help, I'm being attacked by vermin! Let me in!"

However, she never got to use it, because Kelaiah had ripped the dagger from his belt and thrown with lightning-although-definitely-not-Stuish speed. Unfortunately, the Sue had great reflexes, so was able to dodge the knife-throw. However, Linwe realized the ferret wasn't about to let her into the abbey, so she quickly decided on something she considered quite "original." With an amazing leap, she jumped onto the wall and began climbing like Spider- Man. Er, -Girl. Er, -Squirrel. Whichever seems best.

Kelaiah, not to be outdone, pulled his dagger from the door and got out his grappling hook (it was light, which made it easy to throw, but strong, which made it easy to climb). The ferret scrambled up the wall after her, clenching the dagger between his teeth, and trying very hard not to cut his tongue.

Suddenly, when he was about halfway up, Linwe's perfect face appeared over the ramparts, a wicked grin on her gorgeous features. "Bye bye," she called mockingly as she reached over to unhook the rope.

Kelaiah panicked; he was too far up to survive the fall and he couldn't get to the top quickly enough! Somehow, he had to distract the Sue.

"WAIT!" he shouted, _after_ he had taken his dagger from his mouth, and surprisingly, the Sue paused and looked down at him.

"Um..." he continued, dangling in midair, not sure what to do next. "Uh...just what _is_ your story?"

_Now what did I go and do THAT for?_ Kelaiah thought to himself as a waterfall of tears poured from the Sue's eyes, completely drenching him in salty-tasting angst and sorrow. The rope, however, wasn't very wet, so it was still pretty easy to climb up.

"Oh, it's all so dreadful!" Linwe sobbed, her freakishly large eyes miraculously not going red or puffy in the least from all that crying, and nor was she getting dehyrated. "It's all so mean and cold and dark and icky and just so YUCK! I was captured from my home when I was but an infant, and I was raised in slavery on Castle Marl, and all the Marlfox sisters were jealous of my grace and beauty, so they had me whipped and tortured several times each day and made me go through excruciating pain! I sang to all the other slaves every night to give them hope even though I myself didn't have any and they all loved me and felt so sorry for me and just loved to hear me sing. And one day Mokkan heard my voice and fell in love with me but I was far too pure of heart to give in to him, so he had me thrown into the lake and I fought off al the pike and I've been traveling around ever since and-"

The Sue got no further, because at that moment, Kelaiah made it up over the ramparts and punched her in the face.

"AAH!" cried Linwe, stumbling back in shock, even though her face was, of course, completely unharmed.

"You MONSTER!" she yowled. "Striking a lady! That's not very gentlemanly, is it?!"

Kelaiah merely rolled his eyes and snorted. "It's gentle_beastly_, and no Mary Sue could ever be called a lady!"

Linwe snarled, showing off two rows of pearl-like, snow-white, glistening sparkly teeth. From out of nowhere, she whipped out a twelve-foot golden sword covered in jewels and silver, crying out dramatically, "Scum, you shall die for that!"

"Have at thee!" retorted Kelaiah (who had wanted to say something like that for quite a while), drawing his dagger.

Well, to make a long story a little less long, they fought.

* * *

A loud knock came at the gates. 

The Gatekeeper of Redwall Abbey, Borrakul Ironchest, was in the gatehouse, but he hadn't heard the knock as he was attempting, as he had been for quite awhile, to drink his problems away.

This was his third full barrel of October Ale. Life just hadn't been the same since Elachim died, and now the same beasts responsible for his brother's murder were back as welcomed guests. To top it all off, the one he'd personally done in was singing absolutely horrible pop tunes, which were still highly audible even through quite a few walls, a lot of space, and the haze of his drunken stupor. (Predak and her 'co-star' had, by now, moved on to Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack.")

Then he heard the knock as it came again, louder and impatient.

Blearily, the otter remembered that his duties were something about finding out who was at the gates and what it was they wanted. Stumbling from his chair and managing somehow to open the door, he exited the gatehouse and staggered up to the ramparts, not even noticing the squirrel and ferret as they slashed away at each other mere inches away from his footpaws.

Swaying and blinking blearily down at the horde massed at the Abbey doors, he smiled and said cheerfully, "Hey, look at all the handshome woodlandersh. Ooh, they got some pretty ottermaidsh down there! I c'd use some cheerin' up... I should open the doorsh. Hoi, wait, that one over there, 'e's a vermin, and those two at th' front, too. But they're all so nice-lookin, an' beyootiful, I think it'd be nishe if I let 'em in."

He hurried eagerly down, tripping over his rudder as he went, and opened the doors.

Laughing maniacally, two weasels, one a handsome, muscular, dark-furred male, the other a beautiful, slender female with a light gray pelt, led an entire horde of Sues as they charged through the gates and into the Abbey grounds. Golden swords flashed and Abbeybeasts screamed and fell, filled with horrified agony as their bodies shifted...and became...

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Great Hall: 

"I know its fanfiction, fox," Song said irritably. "The question is, why did fanfiction do THIS?"

The conversation halted momentarily as Ziral and Predak skipped by, singing more terrible songs on their way outside.

Ascrod shrugged. "Maybe some author needs a villain or two."

Mokkan began grumbling under his breath. "Stupid authors, always making us vill-AUGH!"

"What now?" Song demanded.

Mokkan pawed frantically at his clothing, pulling his cloak more snugly about himself. "There's a breeze!" he cried frantically. "And my kilt almost flipped up! I HATE THIS THING!"

"Oh, quit whining," Dannflor snapped. "At least you have capes, and you're not chained to the wall!"

Song leaned down and slapped him. "Quiet, you!"

"Yes, dearest," he muttered, glaring at the floor and wishing that he could rub his smarting cheek, but that was impossible at the moment as his paws were chained above his head.

"That reminds me," Vannan remarked, a sneer visible about her muzzle, though she eyed Dannflor in a way that Song didn't quite like. "Just what _is_ the Abbey Champion doing shackled to the wall? He doesn't look like he'd be much help when trouble comes knocking, although it _does_ explain why we got in here so fast."

Song sat up a little straighter, as befits a proper Abbess, and glared regally down at the Marlvixen. She was just about to reply when bloodcurdling screams coming from outside rent the air.

_"ARRRRRUUUUGH! NOOOOOO! YAAAAAAHH!"_

Everybeast in the room yelped. Dann gave a high-pitched shriek and strained against his chains; Song watched him anxiously, more concerned that he would be able to break away from his bonds than by the screams. Vannan and Lantur hugged each other in terror, while Ascrod howled "YEEK!" at such a high pitch that it almost shattered glass and leapt into Mokkan's arms, quivering fitfully. Forgetting the immediate danger, the Marlfox gave his brother an extremely odd look before unceremoniously dropping him to the floor.

"_Ow,"_ Ascrod whined, rubbing his seat. "I always get dumped like that!"

Just then Predak came bounding in; she seemed to have gotten over her little singing phase, though she wore an all-too-happy smile on her face that frightened even Mokkan.

"Hey guys!" she yelled, waving her arms about excitedly. "Look at this!" Without further ado, she tore back outside.

Giving each other quizzical looks, the squirrels and Marlfoxes yelled after her, "What? What?"

Ascrod, however, displaying a little more intelligence, jumped up and followed after his sister.

Quickly releasing the Abbey Champion from his chains (_"I'll just chain him back up later,"_ she thought), Song leapt to her feet and hurried along in Ascrod's wake, petticoats swishing. Dann stumbled along after her, having lost a lot of feeling in his legs from being shackled to the wall for so long, and struggling with great difficulty to pull out his sword from his shoulder belt. The other Marlfoxes trailed along behind, extremely confused, but not wanting to miss out on the action.

Ascrod emerged from the front door out onto the grounds, to find a scene of terrible chaos. Song and Dann were close behind, shoving him forward as they struggled to get a better look, with all the rest of the Marlfoxes close behind, which resulted in the entire group falling in a heap on the threshold. Cursing and grumbling, they got up and stared around them in horror.

A whole horde of Sues (generally-reformed-vermin-and/or-friendly-to-all-creatures-Sues) were running rampant, slashing twelve-foot golden swords at the hapless abbeybeasts, but the wounds from their weapons didn't kill them-

-they Sue-ified them.

The Redwallers were being turned into Sues one by one.

The Sue forces had almost doubled from the Abbeydwellers they'd captured, and beautiful golden-sword-equipped creatures, of all genders and species, were everywhere, fighting with the slowly shrinking force of Redwallers.

Song gave a snarl of fury as she looked up to the ramparts and saw one of her worst nightmares: A beautiful squirrel, fur changing colors at an astonishing rate due to the stress she was under, leapt from battlement to battlement, locked in mortal combat with a tall male ferret (who was trying very hard not to get a seizure from all those changing colors).

Song actually had had a dream about this squirrel, a weird one where she had been trapped in a haunted mansion; she had a really long name and had introduced herself as Song's long-lost twin-sister that had grown up on Castle Marl. Song couldn't recall the details of her dream, but she remembered enough to realize that this was yet another Mary-Sue.

The abbess looked up at her 'sister' and watched her fight the ferret. Against the Sue's huge, gem-studded golden sword, he was armed with only a long dagger, but he used his teeth, paws, and claws to such great effect that even the Sue was hard pressed to escape his assaults.

"No!" Dann cried, at the same moment that Song cheered, "Get 'er, ferret!"

The Marlfoxes had been left to their own devices for merely a few minutes, but it was ample time for them to figure out what to do.

A young, beautiful vixen with striking dusky purple eyes raced up to Lantur and announced, "Mother, it's me, your daughter, Luneariia Purplegaze! You had me with a handsome regular fox but he wanted a boy so you threw me into the lake to rescue me and I was washed ashore and I've been living a tragic life ever since then. . ." Lantur could only give her a weird look before attempting to walk away, but the Sue followed after her, still yammering.

A large male fox, brawny and extremely attractive, leaned casually on his golden sword with a look of roguish amusement on his face as Vannan and Predak rolled around his footpaws, engaged in one of the most vicious catfights of all time.

"He's mine! I saw 'im first!" shouted Predak as she ripped at her sister's tunic.

"Get real, sister, he is so my type!" retorted Vannan as she pulled her sister's headfur.

Ziral had her own audience; much to the displeasure of the weasel-leaders of the horde, a large group of fox-Stus had laid down their weapons and were sitting in the grass, hanging on every lyric of Beyonce Knowles' new hit single that issued from her mouth.

The male Marlfoxes, however, were not so lucky.

With a shriek, Ascrod shoved Song and Dann aside as he raced back inside the Abbey and slammed the door shut behind him, stopping the pursuing Sues in their tracks.

Gelltor, eyes unfocused and stained from ears to tail-tip with strawberry juice, gave a small whimper as the Sues closed in.

Mokkan was the most unlucky of the trio; he was nearly invisible under the mob of Sue-vixens surrounding him and running their gorgeous paws all over his body. His yelps of fright were drowned out by their delighted murmurings.

"Ooh, he's so _handsome!"_

"And with such _gorgeous_ marbled fur!"

"Oh, look at this silly cape, he doesn't need that! Not on such a beautiful warm day!"

Mokkan gave a panicked yelp as his camouflaging cloak was ripped away and flung on the grass; subsequently, the Sues' cries rose to fever pitch. _"Look_ at those abs! Ooh, Mokkan, darling, you are so _strong!"_

_

* * *

_

Song was ecstatic. Disregarding the battle raging all around her, she raced up to the walltop to watch the fight between Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye and the ferret.

Now it seemed that Song's "sister" was on the losing side. Kelaiah had kicked her flat, and she was lying on her back with his footpaw holding her down, eyes blazing a furious crimson.

"Go on, vermin!" she declaimed theatrically, spreading her paws wide and tilting her head back to better expose her slender shapely delicate elegant throat. "Finish me off, so that you can gloat over my lifeless corpse in all your wickedness! Dann, my beloved, remember me always!"

(Song screeched in fury, but was largely ignored.)

Kelaiah glared back indignantly; he'd suffered this insult before and definitely didn't want to hear it from _her._ "'Vermin'? Hey, there wasn't any call for-"

Just then a decidedly un-Sueish howl filled the air.

"What the- ?" Distracted, Kelaiah leapt off of Linwe and raced away to the opposite end of the wall ("WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" screamed Song, outraged. "YOU HAD HER!"), just in time to see what appeared to be an entire army of Sues charge toward a lone, weaponless female pine marten.

Now, Kelaiah hadn't noticed the Sue-horde at first, being engaged in the battle with Linwe, but he sure noticed it now! He didn't have time to goggle in disbelief, though; there was a non-Suish damsel in distress!

Pulling out the long rope with the grappling hook, the ferret swung the prongs over the wall, secured the rope, and swung down into the middle of the Sues, sending them flying left and right. Still swinging, he grabbed the marten, who yelped in shock as they swung back in the other direction.

Once they were close enough, he seized the walltop and clambered up. With his footpaws on solid stone, he carefully set down the marten and smiled reassuringly at her, only to receive a forceful slap in the face.

"Wha-?! Hey!" he protested, then leapt back as she aimed a kick at a rather delicate area.

"I had those freaks right where I wanted 'em!" the pine marten roared furiously, her dark brown eyes flashing. "Whaddya think I am, some kinda damsel in distress?!" (Kelaiah winced, having thought this exact same thing mere moments before.)

"A delicate little flower who can't handle herself in a fight?" she continued, waving her slender arms about and still swiping at him now and again. Kelaiah noticed that she was young, even younger than he was, and shorter, too. But he still nervously backed away from her fury. There seemed to be no stopping her.

"Those Sues were about to get the beating of their lives if you hadn't come flying in on your rope-" (it was right here that Kelaiah lost his footing and tripped over backwards on his habit and landed painfully on his back, still trying to back away from the furious young female) "-and oh-so-bravely carried me away! Well, get lost, jerk!"

The ferret groaned as the pine marten stormed off. In about three seconds the Redwall policy of never raising a paw in anger to another creature was going to be flying straight out the proverbial window (well, they were outside).

"Hey, wait!" he called, scrambling to his footpaws and running after her.

The pine marten halted and spun around. She was dressed plainly: a dark green tunic and black pants, the garments held together by a simple studded belt.

"What do you want now?" she snapped, baring her teeth, the sunlight glinting off her earrings and silver pendant.

"Look," he said quickly, holding up his paws in a peaceful gesture and trying to control his temper. "I didn't want you to be killed by those Sues, okay? Face it, you were out-skilled and really out-numbered."

The young marten grumbled under her breath for a moment or two, but surprisingly, she sighed, nodded, then grinned. "Yeah, I guess you're right. I just don't know what to expect when random ferrets leap off walls to come and rescue me. Say, who are you, anyway?" she added, looking him up and down. "I didn't know Redwallers allowed ferrets, and you're wearing one of their outfits."

Kelaiah grinned back, pleased and somewhat relieved that she was in a better mood. "I'm Kelaiah. I'm a novice here at the Abbey. It's a _long_ story. But anyway, let's get to the point; I'm on your side, uh . . ." He trailed off, blinking at her. "Um, your name is . . .?" The marten laughed.

"Arawolf Beechclaw," she replied cheerfully. "Call me Ara, or Wolf if you want. The choice is yours." Kelaiah chuckled, wondering if she always had these sort of mood swings. "I'm trying to be a professional Sueslayer, but I guess you can see it's not working out that well right now."

"Okay then, Ara. But I can't stop and chat right now. I had a Sue captured when- Oh dear." He turned around to find that Linwe had disappeared from the walltop.

* * *

**A/N:** In order to better understand this fic, I STRONGLY suggest you read LittlePsychoWolf's "Arawolf Beechclaw, Sueslayer Extraordinare". (Her's is funnier than mine) 

And Ara, if it weren't for you, my "hilarious ideas" as you call them, would never have taken shape and form and never would've come to life. That's what I enjoy most about writing this fic with LittlePsychoWolf, because she brings life to things. And thanks again about the "Lunearia/Lunaiia" combo! "Luneariia" is _so_ much more Suish than both those names!

Well, this is certainly turning out to be _quite_ a chaotic mess, though, isn't it?

Where did Linwe go?

Is Linwe going to go after Dann (imagine her reaction when she sees him)?

Will Song ever be able to chain Dann back to the wall?

Will Lantur ever be able to escape from her Sue-spawn (I simply refuse to call her "daughter")?

Will Ascrod escape from the pursuing the Sues?

What will happen to Gelltor?

Will Ziral ever stop singing?

Who will win the hot fox's affections: Predak or Vannan (interesting random fact: Predak is the only one of her sisters that I imagine as a blonde if she were a human; the rest I picture as brunettes)?

What are the Sues going to do with Mokkan?

Will Linwe come in contact with the weasel leaders of the Sue horde?

Will Borrakul ever get over his brother's death?

Who cheered when they found out that Dwopple got a spanking?

Why am I asking all these questions when the readers are probably asking the same things?

_Find out more in the next chapter!_ BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (gasps for breath) BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!


	3. One Serious LoveTriangle

**A/N:** _Okay, the last time we left off Kelaiah was about to finish off Linwe when she insulted him, but Kel didn't have time to reply because he had to go and save the life of a feisty female pine marten who thanked him with a big slap across the face. By the time Kel came back to finish his business with Linwe, he discovered, to his horror, that she was gone._

_And now, we are to witness just what had happened to her. . . ._

_

* * *

_

Linwe looked around. Something was . . . well, she wouldn't say _wrong,_ she'd say . . . _odd, _or _strange_. She probably could've said _weird_, but Sues don't like to use that word, it's so _derogatory_, so she didn't.

But what was going on was that Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress was floating around in a limbo most strange, filled with a haze of colors that reminded Linwe very much of her own fur and eyes. They were never the same color, always going from aqua to crimson to pink to gold to violet to olive to topaz to all kinds of colors.

Linwe was not scared, nor was she very phased (it was supposed to be "fazed" but it is common knowledge that Sues are often plagued with poor spelling and bad grammar) or very surprised by what was going on, as she was a Sue. She just simply floated aimlessly about, reveling in the light feeling that passed through her perfect slender body and the gorgeous bright colors that were almost but not quite as bright and beautiful as her own brilliant pelt and luminous orbs.

Suddenly the squirrelmaiden saw something come floating towards her through the haze.

At first she couldn't make it out, it being only a dark shadow amongst the dazzling hippie colors, but soon it gained more shape and structure that Linwe could see that it was a mouse.

And boy, was he _HOT!_

The mouse was young, tall, broad-shouldered, and gorgeous, clad in only a skimpy black kilt and a blood-red cloak draped across his mighty shoulders, with a beauty that could almost but not quite match Linwe's own perfect looks, and she immediately knew that this mouse could be none other than-

"Martin the Warrior!" she cried, happy and gleeful to be in the presence of the abbey's first champion (even though she couldn't have ever heard of him, seeing as how she was supposed to have lived _away_ from Redwall, but, of course, she _was_ a Mary-Sue, after all).

"No," said the mouse, in a deep, raspy voice that would've put the Witch King of Angmar to shame.

Linwe was rather caught off guard by this, but before she could say a word, the handsome mouse went on:

"Just a mouse who _looks_ like Martin the Warrior," the rodent explained. "Does Martin the Warrior have black fur and red eyes?"

Linwe peered at the handsome mouse very carefully, and realized he was right; Martin didn't have glossy ebony black fur and ruby-red flaming eyes; he had smooth shiny creamy brown fur and slivery gray eyes like a sea storm in the winter.

"If you're not Martin the Warrior," Linwe said carefully, "then who are you?"

"I am . . . The Ego."

* * *

Song stared off after Kelaiah, furious and incredulous beyond belief that the ferret had neglected to kill off Linwe before he went off saving lives! What an _idiot!_

The abbess turned and glared down at Linwe, who, for whatever reason, had fallen into a deep slumber.

Song had _no idea_ why the Sue would be asleep at a time like _this_ . . . but then again, it _was_ a good time to finish off Linwe _herself. . . ._

Grinning like a total maniac, Abbess Songbreeze Swifteye knelt down by her "sister" and was about to sink her dewclaws into Linwe's perfect delicate throat when suddenly a bright bubble-gum pink aura appeared around the sleeping squirrelmaid, making the other squirrelmaid bounce off.

"_Wha - aht?"_ squawked Song, picking herself back up. She hurried back over to Linwe to stare down at the dazzlingly pink aura floating about her, and realized that this pink goop was a sort of "Sue-force field" or whatever that protected Linwe while she slumbered!

_So _that's_ how Sues can get eight hours of sleep every night,_ was the first thought that came to Song's mind. The second thought told her that once Linwe woke up, she'd go after Dann.

That thought was particularly unsettling, so the abbess turned and hurried down the stairs to do something about it.

Once she reached the bottom of the steps, Abbess Song stopped and stared around her, taking in all the Sues that were running rampant through the abbey grounds, hacking and slaying here and there, changing the brave, valiant Redwallers into Sues, while the rest of the abbey dwellers who weren't turned into Sues were still battling gamely on: Cregga had uprooted one of the trees from the orchard and was swinging it around, roaring the bloodthirsty battle cry of the badgers; Janglur, Song's father, was giving a few Stus a particularly nasty beating; and Florian the hare was having a battle of insults with a group of Sues, running around in circles, screaming at the top of his lungs all sorts of nasty insults, making the Sues recoil and shudder.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Linwe's dream: 

"You're . . . The Ego?" the beautiful slender squirrelmaid asked in awe.

"I am," the handsome mouse, The Ego, said, looking quite impressive.

"Then . . . then. . . ." Linwe tried to figure out what this meant, but this time, she was stumped, so she finished with the dramatic, "What do you _want?"_

_

* * *

_

As the Sues battled across the abbey grounds, a course of reckless rage flooded the system of Abbess Songbreeze. She clenched her jaw and growled and snarled as she watched her abbey dwellers become Sues before her very eyes; never mind that yes there was a number of Redwallers that were still normal and fighting, just attacking _one_ of her abbeybeasts was a mistake! A _big_ mistake!

"Grrr!" she said, grinding her teeth. "Well, when the going gets tough, the tough get going!"

And with that, the abbess tore across the lawn, swinging her fist into the unsuspecting face of a mouse-Sue. The Sue fell to the ground in an unconscious heap, dropping her weapon - a black and gold whip.

"_Aha!_ Just what I need!" the abbess said with a deranged cheerfulness as she scooped up the weapon, making the author cringe and lean back in his seat.

* * *

"What do I want, Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifeye the Warrioress?" The Ego said in his deep, raspy, makes-the-Witch-King-seem-like-an-amateur voice. 

Linwe gasped. "H-how did you know my name?!" she cried, her slender delicate paws reaching up to her slim shapely throat, her gorgeous eyes widening. (The author, believe it or not, almost did the same, being taken aback that _anybeast_ besides Linwe would remember _all_ of her names)

"I am what all Sues originate from," The Ego said, with such impressiveness that Linwe backed away in awe and wonder. "And I have come here, Linwe Seregon, to give you . . . a gift."

* * *

The abbess whipped out the whip (no pun intended), looked around at the mass chaos encircling her, and finally saw what she was looking for. 

Lifting the weapon high above her head, she pulled back and let the whip fly.

The end of the whip wrapped itself around the neck of Dannflor Reguba.

"Aack!" cried Dann, his tongue sticking out, his eyes nearly popping out.

Song gave a firm yank from her end of the whip, causing Dann to stumble backwards, clutching at the noose-like whip.

Satisfied, the abbess turned and ran full speed back into the abbey, the abbey champion stumbling along after her.

"Aack! Augh! Bleegh! Aack!" choked Dann, one paw trying desperately to free his muscular neck from the whip's bindings, his other paw trying to keep his kilt from falling off.

Finally Song reached the doors back into the building. Kicking them open, she gave her sharpest yank yet, sending Dann flying into the Great Hall and coming to a none-too-comfortable stop.

* * *

"A- a gift? F- for me?" whispered Linwe. 

"Yes, little one," The Ego said in a fatherly (though kinda creepy) voice. "I am here to present you with the ability to _choose your own death."_

Linwe gasped. "Wh- wh- what do you mean?!" she cried, her eyes widening.

"I want you, Linwe Seregon, to pick a way how you can die, and I will make it so that _that_ will be the _only_ way how you can die."

"S-so," Linwe said, picking up on this fast. "If I take this gift, then all the other ways how Sues can killed won't affect me?"

"That is right."

"Well then!" said Linwe cheerfully. "I accept!"

"Excellent!" The Ego said, smiling, though there was a grim twinkle in his ruby eyes when he said the following, "However, there is one catch."

Linwe stiffened. "Wh- what do you mean?!"she cried, her eyes widening once again (the author thought that what with all that eye-widening that she did, it was a surprise those gargantuous orbs of hers didn't fall out).

"_I_ get to pick out a death for you too."

"You- _what?!"_

"_You_ will pick out a way how you can die," explained The Ego, "and _I_ can pick out a way how you can die. It's very simple, and there'll only be two ways how you can be killed. And don't worry," he added in a reassuring voice. "I won't pick anything obvious."

"Well . . . well . . . I suppose," Linwe said, waving her paws about helplessly.

"Good. Now, then, what sort of way to death would you like, my dear?"

"Oh dear, I really don't . . ." suddenly Linwe's eyes lit up, and a broad smile spread across her gorgeous even features. "I know just what I want!"

The Ego smiled. "Wonderful. Now please, tell me, what is it?"

Linwe stepped forward and placed her perfect mouth next to The Ego's ear and whispered her choice.

A smile slowly spread across The Ego's handsome face, and he chuckled.

"What a good idea," he said, looking at Linwe with another twinkle in his ruby-red eyes.

"Now what's your choice?" Linwe said, a little apprehensive.

The Ego smiled and placed his own mouth next to her delicate shell-like ear and whispered his choice.

The squirrelmaiden's eyes widened, but a grin quickly graced her features. She looked up at The Ego with sparkling radiant eyes and said, "No one would ever suspect _that!"_

The Ego chuckled and slipped his muscled arm around her slender form. "Good. I'm glad you like my choice. By the power vested in me, the two ways that we ourselves have come up are now the only ways that Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress can die."

Linwe gave a small gasp as she felt a strange sensation flood into her perfect system, making her feel suddenly light as a feather and somehow even more beautiful than she ever had been, and even more graceful, and more brighter and even more . . . _powerful. . . ._

"Now then," The Ego said, kissing her forehead gently. "You may wake up now."

* * *

Letting go of the whip, Song leapt in through the doors and slammed them shut, whirling around to glare at Dann, who had finally managed to get the whip off and was heaving in big gulps of breath, his bare, massive chest expanding with each intake, his heavy paws massaging his thick neck. 

"Wha- wha- what was that for?!" the large male squirrel finally managed to gasp, staring at Song with wide eyes.

The abbess marched right up to him, fuming and looking as though she might hit him. Even though he was a lot bigger than she was, the abbey champion still backed away from her.

"Don't you have _any idea _what this is about?!" the squirrelmaid shrieked, small flecks of spit flying out from her lips.

"Okay, honey, say it, don't spray it," Dann muttered, wiping at his chest.

Song slapped him; Dann placed a paw against his cheek, glad that his arms were now free to do this sort of luxury.

"THERE'S A WHOLE ARMY OF _SUES_ OUT THERE! AND ONE OF THEM IS AFTER YOU!!!" SCREAMED SONG. HER RAGE WAS SO GREAT THAT EVEN HER POINT OF VIEW HAD TO BE ALL IN CAPS.

"Whoa, honey, enough with the caps," said Dann, holding up his paws.

"STOP CALLING ME 'HONEY'! DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE YOU CAN CALL HONEY?!" ROARED ABBESS SONG.

Dann paused and looked down at the raging squirrelmaid, and said, "No, you're right. You don't look like a honey. You'd have to be sweet-tempered for that- "

"_GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_ AND SONG WOULD'VE HIT DANN FOR A THIRD TIME, BUT THEN-

_**BAM!**_

Song and Dann's heads snapped around to face the doors, where there was a blinding light that slowly faded to reveal a dim silhouette of a slim, shapely, exquisite, squirrel-like form. A deep, warm, sweet, mystical melody filtered into the room, a melody that very closely resembled the theme song for the elves in Lord of the Rings.

Song took in a strangled gasp through gritted teeth and her eyes went as wide as dinner plates-

"Hey!" said Dann happily. "You stopped with the caps . . . oh . . . uh . . . ahhh. . . ." The poor squirrel trailed off, his head tilting to the side as he stared at the figure standing on the threshold, looking for all the world like some statue of a Roman goddess or another, only squirrel-ified.

Dann's eyes became glazed, his mouth fell open, and drool began to pour down his chin, little floating hearts appearing about his head, an eerily romantic harp-song begining to play in the background, along with a female's voice that sounded oddly like Enya.

The sturdy squirrel's broad shoulders slumped, and his knees almost buckled, but they somehow managed to remain upright so that Dann could further gaze at the strikingly, breathtakingly, dazzlingly, astonishingly, wonderfully, beautifully, perfectly, miracuously, awe-inspiring squirrel-beauty that was slowly stepping into the Great Hall with the upmost perfect lightness and grace of a thousand angels.

Dann's mind became a strange haze that was filled with a jumble of thoughts that rolled around aimlessly, tumbled about, and floated with no direction whatsoever. The only clear thought that his mind possessed was how _amazingly gorgeous_ this squirrelmaiden was, how her eyes were like a sea of emeralds and turquoises and diamonds reflecting moonlight and starlight on a clear summer night, how her lovely precious silky glossy fur was far more softer and velvety-er than any mole and was such a shade of crimson it would have put all the rubies and roses in the world to shame. Swathed across her slender elegant form was a gown of pale spring-green that floated about her like a soft downy cloud, even though there was no current breeze in the hall.

The miraculously lovely squirrelmaid was already halfway across the room towards Dann, her lovely splendid fur rippling about in a most ethereal sort of way, when Abbess Song suddenly sprung herself in front of him, arms stretched wide, her face set up in a fierce snarl, her fifty-foot eyelashes seeming to take on a life of their own, bristling so that they became like swords.

The startlingly beautiful squirrelmaid, however, didn't seem the least bit perturbed by Song's actions (though she was a little annoyed by the fact that someone was keeping her from getting to Dann, but she could cope with that for now), in fact, she seemed quite pleased, and gave a smile that lit up the hall so much that forced Song to squint.

"Song!" the spectacularly fair squirrelmaiden cried happily, and even though she just said one word, the abbess of Redwall knew that her own voice, compared to this squirrelmaiden's high sweet bubbly one, would be as a bad as Dotti's voice.

Well, Song didn't like that, so it would explain some of her following rudeness:

"Who do you think you are, barging on in here like you own the place?!" the abbess snarled, wishing that she had some sharp vermin fangs like that one ferret had.

The squirrelmaiden, however, smiled prettily, lowered her long (though not as long as Song's; Song smirked), dark, curved, sooty lashes over her humongous emerald orbs, and her smile became a grin that revealed two rows of perfectly even, dazzlingly snowy white pearl-like teeth, making Song want to vomit.

"I am Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress," the squirrel-damsel said, her sweet, melodious voice as fresh and clear and refreshing as a bubbling stream is to the parched throat of a traveling warrior. Song flinched and scowled at the same time, causing a lot of pain to her face muscles.

Suddenly Song had a sickeningly strong sense of deja vu. She had been through this before! She knew she had! It had been that dream, where this self-same Sue had tried to take Dann, but Song couldn't remember the rest of it! What had happened? When did it happen? Had they ever gotten rid of the Sue? _How did they do it?!_

The Sue stepped forward, making Song snap out of her reverie and shout, _"Not one more step!"_

Not only did Linwe disobey the order, but she also laughed, a laugh that was as clear and sparkly and tinkling as a bell, with the slightest, smallest trace of malicious intent beneath it.

"Oh, Song, do you not know who I am?" the Sue said, coming _very_ close, making the abbess try to take a step back, but Dann was behind her, who couldn't, and _wouldn't_, back away from the squirrel-goddess before him, so Song found herself sandwiched between the two.

_Trapped between a Sue and drooling idiot. What are the odds?_ thought Song irritably.

Linwe stopped in front of Song, took her paws in her own (Song noticed that her own paws looked all gray and wrinkly and even kinda knobbly in Linwe's bright-colored, smooth-furred, dainty, small ones), widened her eyes in glee (Song also noticed that golden flecks had suddenly appeared in Linwe's gigantic green orbs), and gushed, "I have searched all my life, all my horrid, cold, loveless, dreadful life! I've searched and scoured for miles and miles, going through so many pains and torture and overcoming _oh so many_ excruciating trials, and now I have _found _you!"

Song pulled her head back, more then a little creeped out by the other squirrelmaid's choice of words, but she was quite certain what she was going to say next:

"Song, I'm your long-lost twin-_sister!"_ the squirrelmaiden squealed, squeezing all the feeling out of the abbess's paws.

Again with the deja vu. Even though she knew that that had been coming, this little piece of information still churned the already-completely disgusted stomach of Abbess Songbreeze. Song pulled such a face that she pulled a muscle in her face, causing her to give a sharp cry.

"_Yes!"_ Linwe squealed, thinking that Song was surprised and delighted, pumping her "sister's" paws up and down in a most gleeful manner that would've made any sane beast want to slap her, but Song couldn't do that, let alone massage her pained face muscles (shame Dann was fully conscious to realize that, otherwise he would've given Song a smug look, causing her to become even more annoyed than she already was).

Linwe, however, oblivious to what was going on in the mind of her dearly beloved sister, went on, "We were separated when we but infants; I was raised in slavery on Castle Marl and was forced to endure so many hardships and my childhood was stolen from me and one day Mokkan heard me singing and fell in love with me but I was far too pure of heart to give into him-"

This little piece of information made Song's last meal want to tear its way out of her mouth and tell Linwe just exactly what it thought of the idea of a Marlfox falling in love with a slave, especially a squirrel, but Song decided that she didn't want to take the chance and spoil her new habit, so the abbess quickly swallowed the indignant bile and pulled a disgusted face at the rancid taste.

"Oh, but it's all right, dear sister," said Linwe, noticing Song's expression. "I survived when Mokkan threw me into the lake as punishment-"

Song drew herself up, indignant that the pike that infested the lake surrounding Castle Marl had passed up the gold-and-jeweled opportunity of eating this Sue alive and peeling her flesh from her bones-

"Oh yes, wasn't it just _horrible_ of him?!" cried Linwe, thinking that Song's indignant expression was over Mokkan's actions.

_Trying to kill you was the first good thing that fox has ever done; give 'im a break!_ thought the abbess of Redwall.

But then again, if Mokkan had done his job right, Linwe probably would've gotten eaten by the pike and wouldn't be standing here right now! Stupid Mokkan. Song hoped that the Sue-vixens out there were giving him just what he deserved.

* * *

Song's wish was granted: all of the Sue-vixens were holding him down, one with golden fur holding down one arm, another with black fur holding down the other, a red one holding down a leg, an auburn one with yellow streaks holding down the other, and a chocolate-brown one holding down his tail. The rest of them were lovingly stroking him, snuggling his neck with their cute button noses, resting their delicate paws on his chest, and tickling his footpaws with feathery caresses, all of them giggling and sighing with delight.

* * *

"Oh, but I got ashore all right," Linwe continued on, waving her slender paw as though it were a trivial thing to survive a lake full of pike (if there were any pike around when Linwe was thrown in; maybe they were all sickened by her sickeningly sickening sickness and swam away). "I ended up traveling south and ended up in Southsward where the King and Queen of the place had suffered a miscarriage and because they really wanted a child they adopted me and everyone in the land loved me and there was this one squirrel who bore a _striking_ resemblance to a handsome male squirrel slave that I knew on Castle Marl that was killed by Mokkan, and to Dann here-" she added, casting a longing glance at the drooling male squirrel behind Song- "and he-" 

But the Sue got no farther, for Song pointed behind her, towards the door, shouting, "Oh no! Baby Dwopple's in trouble!"

Actually, Dwopple wasn't in any trouble in the least; Janglur Swifteye had handed the infant mouse his sling shot and told him very strictly that he must hit as many Sues as possible. Dwopple obliged willingly, and was at that moment firing off apple cores at a random Stu who was waving his sword around, trying to ward off the infant mouse's attack.

But Linwe did not know that.

She gasped and did a one-eighty, running full speed out the door, crying, _"Baby in danger! Baby in danger! _Don't worry, sweetie! I'll save yoooooooooooooooooooou!"

Song slammed the door shut, locked it, and piled a whole bunch of furniture against it, thinking to herself: _Oh, sorry Dwopple, you've been so good lately, but we all need to make our sacrifices in life;_ and hoping against hope that Linwe wouldn't be able to break down the doors after she was done "saving" the baby mouse.

_Eh, what's the point?_ asked a voice in Song's head. _She can climb in through a window . . . okay, why did I say that?_

"Eeek!" said Song as the thought came to her. She turned to Dannflor, who was shaking his head, as though trying to clear it (but that didn't seem to be doing any good, as his eyes were still rolling about in their sockets), and wiping the drool from his mouth and chin.

Song walked straight up to him and slammed her fists into Dann's gut.

"Oof!" gasped Dann, his knees finally buckling and his eyes finally ceasing their rolling. From his position on the ground, he managed to gasp through still-drool-covered lips, "Wha- wha- what was _that_ one for?!"

"Some help _you_ were!" the abbess snapped, not the least bit sorry for what she had done; she was much too jealous to care. "There I was, all open and defenseless, and _you_ just stand there, all googly-eyed and drooling! And you were the one with the sword, too! Some abbey champion you turned out to be!"

Fighting to regain his breath, Dann glared up at his abbess, flicking off the remaining drool, throughly annoyed by the whole situation. "Hey, I didn't ask for the job, sweetheart. And speaking of such, some abbess _you_ turned out to be, letting a whole horde of Sues in!"

"_You're_ the champion! That's _your_ job!" Song retorted, giving him a sharp kick. "Ha! Who was the one who jumped off the waterfall to save a dying bird that ended up being very useful to our quest? _ME!_ Who was the one who stood up to that bullying shrew Fenno and avenged the death of his father-figure? _DIPPLER!_ Who was the one who helped us get a boat and tricked an evil vole leader and was a really cute comic relief? _BURBLE!_ But _YOU,_ you didn't do _anything!_ You didn't do anything to earn the title 'Reguba'! HA! The only thing you're good for is standing around looking pretty!"

"Is that why you had me chained to the wall earlier?" asked Dann, as if the idea had just occurred to him.

"Well . . . yes, that was _part_ of the reason."

"_Part?"_ Dann asked, giving Song a look.

Song flushed. "People seem to think for some reason that we are in love, so they're always writing these stories about how we get together, and so I decided that I've had it and had to do something about it. So I chained you to the wall so you could never again lay paws on me! Ha ha!"

Dann stared up at Song for awhile, obviously beginning to doubt the possible sanity of the abbess of Redwall.

"_STOP DOUBTING MY SANITY!" _ROARED SONG, HER "ANGRY-CAPS" MODE COMING BACK ON.

"_Man,"_ groaned Dann, getting back onto his weary footpaws. "I'm glad the author that's writing this fic has given me another romance besides you."

"_WHAT?!_ WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" SCREAMED SONG, INCREDULOUS THAT DANN COULD _POSSIBLY_ PREFER LINWE OVER HER.

"Look, Song, hon-" -he was about to say "honey" but caught himself just in time- "eh, _dearest,_ you're really nice and all, and you've got a great voice, and you have those really long eyelashes, and you're really smart and tough and all, but . . . I'd just rather be with someone else."

SONG'S RAGE SEEMED TO SURPASS WORDS FOR HER TO EXPRESS, SO WHAT ENDED UP HAPPENING WAS THAT A WHOLE BUNCH OF STEAM ENDED UP SPOUTING OUT OF HER EARS.

However, there was little time for all this melodrama, for the doors to the Great Hall shuttered, golden beams of light spilling forth from the spaces around the frame, a gentle sound of a booming chorus sneaking its way in.

"_Augh!"_ cried Song.

"Oh good, you stopped with the caps," said Dann, grinning.

"Gimme the sword!" Song commanded, holding out her paw. "You won't be able to use it once she comes back in!"

"_What?!"_ cried Dann, aghast at the very thought of handing over his beloved sword to anybeast else. "No, no, no, no!"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" shouted Song, reaching for his shoulder belt.

"No, no, no, no!" squealed Dann, trying to push her away.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!" screamed Song, jerking at the buckle.

"No, no, no, no!" cried Dann, trying to pull her off.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

"No, no, no, no!"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

"No, no, no, no!"

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

"No, no, no, no!"

"Yes, yes, ye-!"

Song fell to the floor, the belt and Martin's sword in her paws, right when the doors burst open, and another flood of pale golden light gushed its way into the room, and You-Know-Who stepped in, keeping in perfect harmony with the sweet, elvish-sounding rhythm.

Dann, who was about to bend over and try to relieve Song of his precious sword, froze, and then drooped like a wilting flower, his burly arms hanging, his broad shoulders slack, his knees meeting each other to keep him from falling, his tail falling limply to the floor, his head to the side, drool cascading down his chin, even more hearts floating about his love-sick head.

Song, filled with even more wild jealous rage, scrambled to her feet, struggling to wrench the sword of Martin from its sheath, when she caught sight of Linwe, and froze, her mouth falling open, her brow furrowing in disbelief.

_No way. . . ._

_. . . That is NOT freakin' POSSIBLE!_

* * *

**A/N:** Well, things haven't turned out for the better, have they? 

Just what _are_ the two deaths that Linwe and 'The Ego' chose for her?

Are the Sues going to be defeated, or does this look like the end of any possible good redwall stories from now on?

What do you all think of the 'relationship' between the abbess and the champion?

And just _what is it _about Linwe that Song thought was impossible?

Find out in the next chapter! _BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!_

Ahem.

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Ahem.

_**BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!**_

Sorry. I just couldn't resist.


	4. A Beautiful Memory

* * *

Kelaiah stared at the empty place on the battlements where Linwe once laid. 

At first he couldn't believe it, but after a while of looking around fretfully at all the other battlements, he realized that there was no denying it: Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress had flown the coop. Again.

The ferret turned with a groan, slapping a paw across his eyes and growling furiously to himself. _Augh, I can't _believe_ it!_

"Blasted Sue! I had her beaten and everything, and now..." He trailed off, his paws clenching in fury, both at himself and at Linwe. Why hadn't he finished her like he had been assigned to do?! Why had he failed for the second time on his _first_ mission!?!

From behind Kelaiah, there came a slightly tentative and slightly confused voice. "Er, what Sue?" the pine marten, Arawolf, asked, not knowing that her words brought even more sting to Kelaiah's failure.

At this, the ferret gave an even louder groan, and suddenly there came a flashback in his head of Linwe laying there on the battlements, her fur becoming a bright creamy shade of orange that somehow did _not_ clash with the red sandstones, her eyes blazing with a scarlet that was almost purple, flecked with gold and silver and bronze, her lovely head leaning back to further expose her slender shapely elegant throat, and the ferret realized that he had fallen under the Sue-spell, where Sues made their enemies forget about slaying them by making them think about how beautiful they were-

When this realization hit Kelaiah, the ferret turned and made his way over towards the nearest wall, and without further ado began to bang his head repeatedly against it, both to berate himself for falling under a spell that Adverk had so _specifically _warned him about, and to get the image of Linwe's lovely beautiful savory neck out of his head.

Apparently Linwe had used the type of Sue-spell that would leave pleasant memories in his head; sometimes Sues did that to slow down their enemies instead of making them fall in love with them on the spot; it tormented their enemies _so_ much more . . . and was so much more _annoying._

As he continued to bang his head, he realized that his new friend, Arawolf, might want an explanation for his actions, but like many times when his temper got away from him, the ferret's words had a very hard time of making their way out of his brain and into the world.

"You don't" -bang- "understand, Arawolf. She's" -bang-"one of the most" -bang- "dangerous Sues out"- bang-"there!"

Kel suddenly felt paws roughly grab him by the shoulders and pull him away from the wall of his punishment, but the ferret didn't have time for any of that stuff. He whirled around, shaking off her touch, his skinny chest heaving with the frantic knowledge that he had failed so miserably in so short a time, and again the young ferret found himself grating out another explanation. A much more _detailed_ explanation.

"You don't understand! She's got it _all! _Lustrous, silky fur softer than the most luxurious velvet, eyes like twin pools of infinity, sparkling with tiny, twinkling stars, their colors able to shift and change at her every whim, a slender, lithe, feline form that any male would die to behold even once-" (it was right about here that Kel noticed that this was not normally how he would've described anybeast to another beast, and almost immediately knew that it was because of the "pleasant memories" that Linwe left in Kel's brain that the young ferret was being so darned eloquent now, and he desprately tried to stop himself, but ack nohewasmovingontohervoice_no_ _not the voice!)_ "-a voice able to produce song so wonderful as to make angels weep and put the nightingale to shame, destined wielder of the mighty golden sword, graced by the most precious of gems, but none of those diamonds and sapphires can even hope to match the wonder of those twin orbs set into that stunning face...asdfghjkl;..."

Kelaiah couldn't speak anymore; his entire mind was filled with the beautiful memory of Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress, the way how she moved so graciousfully (is that even a word? No, it was supposed to be "gracefully" but the spelling right now was being affected by Linwe's lovely memory) and sinuously while the two of them fought together here, it had almost been as though they had been _dancing_ together-

_**Smack!**_

A sharp pain stabbed him against the cheek; Arawolf had slapped him (again), and just like that, the Sue-spell was broken, and all "beautiful memories" of Princess Linwe Seregon Maiilaychyah Amethystgem Rayahmyah Yellowgold Shamaiaariah Unicorn Eberoneeaniah Marigoldflower Admatharaiah Roseblossom Yyiurlyah Sunshine Ulliahiah Earring Swifteye the Warrioress vanished from Kel's mind.

The tall young ferret shook his head, barely able to gabble out his thanks before he could speak clearly again, only this time there was _no_ paragraph of doom, only a bit more information on the afore-mentioned Sue:

"Oh, and it took Dannflor barely a nanosecond to fall in love with her, demoting Song to raging, murderous, scullery-maid kind of status. Plus she's Song's twin sister, so she's related to a famous canon character..."

"Okay, I get it!" the young female pine marten snapped, her brown eyes filled with complete and utter horror. "And this is what's now frolicking about _in this very building_? Why the hell did you let her get away?"

_Okay, like I _really_ need this,_ thought Kelaiah as he rolled his eyes to the sky (noticing that it had become a sparkling, shimmering blend of azure, cerulean, turquoise and purest sapphire, broken by silky, weightless, pearly, snow-hued clouds softer than the finest swan's down, obviously owing to the abnormally strong Sue-aura that was positively _spewing _from its myriad of sources into the previously untouched heavens), and suddenly he remembered something rather important about this feisty young female that stood before him.

"I had to save you from getting killed, _remember?_" he growled, glaring down at her from his superior height.

Ara blinked, and dropped her gaze. "Oh yeah... er, thanks..." she muttered, glaring at the walkway beneath her footpaws.

_Does she think that_ _the meaning of life is engraved in those stones?_ Kelaiah thought to himself briefly before looking back out at the abbey grounds.

The young ferret saw with dismay that only about five or six Canon characters were still alive and fighting (three of them being Janglur Swifteye, Cregga Badgermum, and Florian Dill- er, Diggle- er, whatever his name was), and that the Abbey grounds was all but invisible under the roiling mass of exotic fur, a chaotic rainbow of every color known to animalkind, and quite a few new ones as well. Golden swords twinkled in the brilliant sunlight, shining like beacons as they slashed through the air.

_Great, _thought Kel. _Juuuuuuust great. _Now _what do I do?_

A gigantic squeal of glee caught the ferret's attention, and the ferret's head snapped in the direction of the noise, and what he saw made his eyes go round and his mouth dropped open in disgusted shock.

_Oh no,_ the young ferret thought, turning and covering his eyes with his paw. _Nooo nononooooo. . . ._

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry this took me so long to get updated, but thanks for your patience! 

And sorry for saying Linwe's full name so many times, heh heh. . . .

And for those of you who are indignately wondering WHY I didn't have Linwe herself in this chapter, it is because Linwe is SO beautiful and SUCH a special character that she needs a whole chapter to herself (with the exception of her soulmate Dannflor, and her "beloved" sister Songbreeze-

Song: _GRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! EVIL SUE! WE HATES IT! WE HATES IT! WE HATES IT FOREVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!_

Heh, sorry. Song knows what's coming up with Linwe, and she _HATES_ it!

Song: IT'S NOT _FAIR! _HOW COME-?!

**_SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!_** Don't give away the surprise!

Song: Hmph!

Well, anyway, please have patience and bear with us as we continue on this dark, dangerous journey to defeat the most dreadful-est Redwall-genre Sue you've ever seen . . ._ Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha ha aha ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!_

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	5. Meet the Parent

**A/N:** Greetings, my lovely readers. You've waited very long for this, and I think you've waited long enough.

Behold!

The fifth chapter. _And more to come! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaahahahhaahaaaaa!_

Hope you all enjoy it.

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Redwall. End of story.

!!!IMPORTANT!!! There's canon-bashing in the following scene and a LOT of temper-losing, so viewer-discretion is advised.

* * *

Mokkan lay on the ground surrounded by adoring Sue-vixens, trapped by their long graceful slender limbs pinning down his burly limbs and long fluffy tail. 

"Ooh Mokkan, you're so strong!"

"And so handsome!"

"You're so tall!"

"And so handsome!"

"What powerful shoulders!"

"And so handsome!"

"What marvelously clean white teeth!"

"And you're so handsome!"

"What a cute button nose!"

"And you're so handsome!"

"Ooh Mokkan, darling, your muscles are as big as stones and as hard as stones mixed together with steel!"

"And you're so _handsome!"_

"And yet your fur is so smooth and soft and fluffy like a cloud in heaven!"

"Ooh, Mokkan, dearest, you are _sooooooo_ **handsome!** You're almost as perfect as we are!"

Mokkan, who had been trying (in vain) to wriggle his way from under the Sues but finally gave into the realization that they weren't about to let him go any time soon, gave a small wimper of defeat.

Immediately all the Sues pounced (figuratively) on this.

"Ooh, Mokkan, darling, what's wrong?! Are you sad about something that happened in your past? Oh tell us about it so we can make you _happy!"_

* * *

Under the cool shade of the fruit trees in the orchard, not far away from Mokkan and all his admirerers, was Gelltor with a significantly smaller group of Sue-vixens (though all of them were equally gorgeous as the ones fondling over Mokkan), who had used their Sue-powers to clean off all the strawberry stains from his fur and kilt (his cloak they had disposed of, claiming that it was ruined beyound prepare). 

Gelltor's head was placed in the lap of one of the fantastically gorgeous Sue-vixens who was dangling ripe luscious grapes above his open mouth, while two other beautiful Sue-vixens on either side of him were massaging his shoulders, two more lovely Sues squeezing his biceps and triceps, two more giving him a belly-rub, two more stroking his legs, and finally two more giving him a foot-massage and a third combing his tail with a gold-and-jeweled comb.

"Ooh Gelltor, you're so _strong."_

"And so _smart."_

"Oh, you're so _brave_. . . ."

Gelltor, believe it or not, was actually enjoying himself, basking in the fact that twelve beautiful vixens (even if they _were_ Sues) were complementing him, massaging him, admiring him, _adoring_ him, and feeding him the most delicious of fruits.

Licking his lips of the grape juice-

"Oh Gelltor, what a healthily pink tongue you have!"

-Gelltor turned his head slightly to look over at his brother to see that Mokkan was obviously NOT having a good time being hugged by scores of simpering gorgeous Sue-vixens at once while being clad only in a skimpy kilt!

Gelltor snickered and turned his attention back to his "girls".

"O Gelltor, what's so funny?"

"Nothing's funny," Gelltor replied as he took another proferred grape. "I'm just happy is all." (Which actually _was_ the truth)

The beauteous Sue-vixens all giggled and cooed and doubled their efforts in their stroking and massaging, the one feeding him grapes making the fruit even bigger and juicer and riper. "Ooh, Gelltor dearest, we're _so_ _glad_ we could help you in that!"

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Great Hall, the author decided to finally reveal just exactly what _is_ that mysterious condition of Linwe: 

_No way,_ thought Abbess Song. _That is NOT freakin' POSSIBLE!_

"Ohhh," said Linwe, giving a dramatic little gasp as she "carried" Baby Dwopple in, who glowered at Song. "This poor, dear, sweet little angel was being attacked by a most horrible weasel! But don't worry, dear sister, I put an end to the vile creature's life for trying to end another life, a life so much greener than his. . . ."

Song barely heard her, for all the abbess of Redwall could really concentrate on (or at least could _try_ to concentrate on) were the _**WINGS**_ (yes, that's right, _**WINGS**_) growing from her sister's slender perfect shoulders, although it was kinda hard to say how Song recognized Linwe at all, for the beauteous squirrel-maiden's fur-color and eye-color and clothing had all quite changed.

The smooth sleek glossy silky fur was now a deep shimmering reddish-gold color that looked like molten gold and rubies making her tail look like it had come across a very aggravated Flamer, and the huge, bright, orb-shaped eyes were now like a sea of amethysts, sprinkled with violets and lilacs and all kinds of purple flowers. As for her clothing, it was now a long lavender dress with long loose split sleeves tied with gold cords, the dress itself covered in the most elaborate gold embroidery and brocade that it would've made the costume designer for "Lord of the Rings" weep with despair and shame (completely irrelevent to the storyline is that Linwe herself sewed this beauteous costume with its impossibly complex gold patterns).

From behind her beautiful perfect shoulders were wings of all sorts: swan wings, dragonfly wings, fire wings, eagle wings, and butterfly wings, all of them bright and shiny and just plain - no, not plain, **_freakingly_** - IMPOSSIBLE!

"What are those?!" Abbess Song demanded, pointing at the wings, her eyes bulging out from beneath her furrowed brow and fifty-foot eyelashes.

"What are what?" Linwe innocently asked, even though she knew perfectly well what her sister meant, but Linwe wanted Song to say "wings" in order to make sure that all eyes were on her (Linwe, that is).

_"Those,"_ Abbess Song snapped, guessing Linwe's plan.

"What?" Linwe asked, determined.

_"Those,"_ Song snapped, equally determined.

"What, dear sister?" Linwe asked, shrugging her lovely perfect shoulders, making the wings shimmer and glow, the butterfly wings shifting colors (making Song want to vomit _again,_ of course). "What is it that you're talking about?"

**_"THOSE,"_** Abbess Song boomed through gritted teeth, pointing straight at the wings. _"Growing right from your shoulders!"_

"Oh yes," said Linwe, pleased that her sister had noticed (but slightly disappointed that she failed to say 'wings' but oh well Linwe couldn't expect her sister to be as much as a deep-thinker as Linwe herself). "I didn't mention these before because there wasn't any time but there is now: I'm part fairy, part super-hero, part transformer, and part mermaid!"

Song blinked several times. . . .

She screwed up her face. . . .

Her mouth twisted up into weird little shapes. . . .

Yet the only thing she could get out of her brain and out of her mouth was: _"'Mermaid'?!"_

"Oh yes," chirped Linwe as she fluttered her wings (which caused her to become elevated about a foot from the ground), lifted up her skirt and Song saw the beautiful slender perfectly-shapely legs beneath become a beautiful silvery scaley tail that shimmered with different colors of red, pink, gold, aquamarine, blue, green, and turqouise.

The abbess of Redwall was speechless. She could only stare, clutching at the scabbard in her paws as Linwe's extraordinarily spectacular fish-tail became two lovely perfect squirrel-legs again and the splendidly lovely, dazzlingly brilliant squirrel-maiden floated back down to earth and daintily dropped her gorgeous floaty skirt to the floor and smiled prettily at her sister.

"So. . . ." Song said slowly, a slow smile beginning to spread across her face as an idea formed in her head. "If you're my twin . . . and you're all those things . . . then that would make _me_ all that stuff too?"

Already the abbess of Redwall was thinking to herself, _Well! Having a Sue as your twin-sister has its advantages-_ but she was cut off by Linwe, who replied in a sweet, matter-of-fact tone:

"Why of course not!"

_"WHAT?!"_ ROARED ABBESS SONG. "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

Linwe winced and scrunched up her face (and _still_ managed to look darned good!) and held her dainty perfect paws. "Sister, dear _sister,_ you mustn't yell like that, there are _children_ present," she added, smiling down at Dwopple.

Then suddenly, as soon as Linwe set her eyes on the baby mouse, Dwopple's face turned from a scowl to a very soft, angel-like expression, and from out of nowhere he handed Linwe a small bunch of freshly-picked-with-no-dirty-roots-dangling-from-the-bottom-flowers.

"These ah fah yoo," the baby mouse said in a hipnotized sort of way.

Linwe gave a little cooing squeal of delight as she took the flowers and said, "Thank you so much, sweetie! They're beautiful! Thank you!" And promptly began making them into a garland to put on her head.

As soon as Linwe's eyes left Dwopple, the infant mouse turned to Song with another glower.

Song winced, completely disgusted by what she just witnessed, and suddenly remembered the sword she held in her paws.

Desperately, the abbess of Redwall began tugging at the sword, but it refused to come out of the scabbard.

_C'mon, c'mon!_ thought Abbess Song as she gritted her teeth._ You've gotta come out and help me distroy Linwe-_

A little gasp from Linwe caused the abbess to freeze and slowly look up.

Linwe had her paws up near her cheeks, her eyes glued to the scabbard.

"I had a _dream_ about that sword!" the squirrelmaiden cried dramatically.

_Oh great,_ thought Song as she tried to conspicously pull the sword out, but to no avail.

"Yes!" squealed Linwe. "I was told by Martin the Warrior himself-"

"How do you even know who Martin the Warrior is if you've never been to Redwall?!" Song demanded, stalling for time.

Either Linwe didn't hear her or just didn't care, it was hard to say, but either way the other squirrelmaid continued speaking as though there had been no interruption: "And he told me that I was destined to weild his sword and become the next abbey champion and-"

_"HOLD THE PHONE!"_ shouted Abbess Song (this time she decided that her "angry-caps" mode wouldn't do for now). "That's Dannflor's job!" she protested (of course she had earlier said that Dann was doing a terrible job at it, but hey, better Dann than _Linwe)_.

"Not anymore," said Linwe sweetly, giving Dann another lustful look. "I - hey! Dann, there's something different about you! What is it?"

Song turned and looked at Dann to see what the Sue was talking about: aside from the fact that the huge male squirrel looked even more lovesick that before, he looked completely the same he did the last time Linwe was here, except this time he didn't have the sword or the shoulder belt-

Song went rigid. She knew what difference that Linwe had noticed: the shoulder belt was gone, so therefore Dann's chest was further exposed.

**_AACK!_** thought Song as she wildly tried to put the belt back on, but smooth-furred, perfectly manicured dewclaws seized her and pulled her away and yanked the belt and sword out of her paws.

"HEY!" PROTESTED SONG, HER "ANGRY-CAPS" MODE COMING ON FROM THE IMPROPER TREATMENT OF AN ABBESS.

Linwe winced (and still looked profoundly great), and said, holding up the belt and sword, "These are meant for _me, _not Dannflor, for the only reason he was made Champion just to please his abusive father."

Just then, as if on cue, Rusvul Reguba stumbled in, clutching his head from the massive headache he had now. (He and Janglur had tried earlier to silence Predak and Ziral during their little "show" and Predak had knocked him upside the head, knocking him out. The last thing Rusvul had seen was Ziral flinging a guitar at Janglur's head out of revenge for killing her)

Linwe gave a little gasp as soon as she saw Rusvul, then promptly went over to him and slapped him across the face.

**_SMACK!_**

* * *

"My," thought the author to himself. "Lots a males are getting slapped in these fics, aren't they?"

* * *

Rusvul stared at Linwe, eyes wide with shock, his paw placed against his smarting cheek, and the only thing he could find to say was, "What was _that_ for?!" 

Song snorted contemptuously, strongly reminded of Dann.

"Because you are an overbearing horrible mean nasty bossy abusive terrible excuse for a father!" Linwe said, making everybeast in the room (even the author) marvel that she was able to say such a weird sentence so clearly.

"Wha-but-" sputtered Rusvul, glancing about at everybeast in the room: Dwopple, who was scowling so darkly he looked like a little minature stormcloud; Song, who looked more than ready to commit murder; his son, who was wearing absolutely nothing except for a skimpy kilt and drooling so much it would've made a nice wading pool for the Dibbuns (only they'd be swimming in saliva, something which the adults would never allow them to do, and I'm pretty sure the Dibbuns would actually agree with them).

"It is time to put an end to your tyranny!" Linwe shouted, practically _glowing_ with righteous anger, all of her wings becoming golden-white angel wings that were somehow on fire and yet didn't burn.

Song snorted again, even louder this time.

Finally Rusvul came to his senses and protested, "I'm _not_ an abusive father! I never once-"

"You lie!" cried Linwe theatrically, pointing a perfectly perfect dewclaw at the irate squirrel-father. "You always blamed your son for your wife's murder and always complained about he acted like a girl all the time-"

Song snorted so loudly that it made the windows shudder.

Linwe, caught off gaurd, looked at her sister and said, with sweet, helpful, saint-like concern (for after all, nobeast is as kind and thoughtful and caring as Princess Linwe Seregon . . . . er, ah what the heck. I'll just go with what the reviewer said and call her "The Evil One"), "Sister? Dear sister, are you feeling alright? That sounds like a nasty cough you're getting. Why don't you go off to the infirmary and I'll take over your posistion as Abbess for awhile-"

Well, what Linwe said made Song more outraged than ever before.

**_"TAKE OVER MY POSITION AS ABBESS?!" ABBESS SONG SCREAMED, MAKING THE WINDOW PANES SHATTER. "ARE YOU NUTS?! I WOULDN'T ENTRUST YOU WITH-"_**

But whatever the abbess of Redwall wouldn't entrust her "sister" with, we'll never find out (though I'm pretty sure a lot of you can guess a few things), for Linwe pointed a perfect little dewclaw at her and turned the volume down. Way down.

"Dear sister," Linwe clucked, shaking her head. "You must _stop_ with all these caps. It's not good for you, the abbey, or even the poor little Dibbins-" (yes, she said it wrong, but she's a Mary-Sue people! I shouldn't have to explain _that!_) "-and after all, all children are out futures, which reminds me," she added severely as she turned back to Rusvul. _"You_ need to appreciate the son that you've got and stop-"

"I _do_ appreciate him!" thundered Rusvul, going red with anger. "I never once _touched _him!"

"You called him a coward!" countered Linwe.

"And I said I was sorry and he _forgave_ me and told me to forget it and _I called him a warrior! **How can you get more loving and nuturing than that?!"**_

Linwe opened her mouth to say a few more things, when suddenly she went rigid as a sweet, rich, commanding female voice floated inside her head. ­-_Listen, all of you, and obey. The Abbey is almost ours. My mate and I must fight for revenge, but for you, fine warriors, therein lies something else.-_

Somehow Linwe knew that this voice was not talking to her, but she sensed that this speaker . . . was like her, and that she was talking to other beasts that were also like Linwe, all of them special and misunderstood and so full of bittersweet angstful memories. . . .

Linwe listened on, rapt by the fact that she was once again in the presence of another creature like her (once she had met a vixen like her once on a stormy night, and she had not seen the poor, beautiful young vixen with her marvelous purple eyes ever since then).

As for the other beasts in the room, they all stared at the glazed, happy expression on Linwe's beautiful perfect face. They couldn't hear the female's voice, and so therefore had no idea what was going on.

Song cautiously approached Linwe and waved a paw in her face. When she didn't react, Song snapped her claws and she _still_ didn't get a reaction!

"I fink we los' contact," commented Baby Dwopple.

Song looked down at the sword of Martin in Linwe's paws and tried to gently pull them away, but no- Linwe had too strong a grip on them.

"Would somebeast mind explaining to me what's going on here?" hissed Rusvul, glaring at Song.

"I'll explain later," Song hissed back as she hurried over to Dann. "No time for the sword, she's got too good a grip. C'mon, let's get out of here while she's still out."

The abbess of Redwall _tried_ to move Dannflor, but he wouldn't be moved, for he couldn't stop staring at the blissfully beautiful squirrel-goddess who had a face that looked like it had been finely carved and chiseled by a thousand angels of the most exquisite talent.

"Grr! Grmph! Geh! Agh," grunted Song as she tried pulling, pushing, yanking, dragging at Dann's heavily muscled limbs, but she couldn't get him to move an inch. She'd have better luck trying to move the abbey wall.

"Oh here," snapped Rusvul as he crossed over to his son, pushing Song out of the way.

"Hey!" protested Song, but she shut up after Rusvul slung his son over his shoulders with only a soft grunt of exhertion.

"How'd you do that?!" Song demanded.

Rusvul shook his head at the abbess. "I didn't earn the title 'Reguba' for nothin'!" And with that, he carried his son (who was still gazing dreamily at Linwe with drool dribbling down his chin) towards the door.

"Aack!" cried Song, dashing forward to stop him. "Not outside! There's a whole _army_ of _Sues_ out there!"

_"What?!"_ cried Rusvul, swinging around and hitting his son's head on the door.

"OW!" cried Dann, coming out of his stupor and furiously rubbing his head.

"Oh Dann, you're okay!" cried Song; at least _one_ good thing was happening.

"How could you let a whole army of Sues in?!" cried Rusvul, waving one arm about while the other one still held his son over his shoulder.

"What happened? Where am I?" groaned Dann, putting an end to the "cried" pattern (you'll notice that for the last five dialouges describes the characters' way of speaking as "cried").

"It's a long story," explained Song.

"So get talking," snapped Rusvul.

"Dad, wh-?" said Dann, still slung over his father's shoulder.

"Don't you talk to me like that!" snarled Song. "I'm the Mother Abbess!"

"You're not a very good one if you let a whole bunch of horribly-singing Marlfoxes and a whole horde of Sues in here!" countered Rusvul.

"Um, _hello?"_ called Dann, irriated. "Could somebeast let me down?"

"I'm the Abbess! Not the Champion! That's your son's job!"

"Well, he _could_ do his job better if you didn't chain him to the wall so often!"

"Dad, I can stand on my own two feet, you know."

"That's none of your business!"

"It is when it involves _my baby boy!"_

"The Sue's waking up," commented Baby Dwopple.

**_"What?!"_** cried all three squirrels as they all turned to see Linwe give a stir and begin to turn around.

_"Aack!"_ the canon characters cried as they dashed behind a pillar ("Dad, would you put me down?! I can walk, you know.") and held their breath.

Linwe sailed right past them and out the door, listening to the beautiful melodic voice that echoed throughout her head.

_-If we capture the Abbey, you shall rule all of Mossflower, perhaps the world, turning it to a place of greatest beauty and perfection. Everybeast that dwells upon the earth shall become like us, in a utopia of peace and happiness. Sorrow will no longer have a place; the trials of your pasts shall fade into the mists.-_

Linwe stepped out onto the grounds and for the first time noticed all the other Sues and Stus. Never before had she seen such a glorious sight! Huge, handsome, muscular males, slender, shapely, beautiful females, all of them with the most dazzlingly bright and exotice fur- and eye-color and clothing and the most gorgeous weaponry anybeast in the world had ever seen!

Linwe suddenly felt a strange peacefulness within her. It was almost as if . . . as if she were _home,_ with her real family. . . .

Suddenly from on the other side of the grounds, Linwe's perfect spectacular hearing which would make all the superheros in the world weep with shame enabled her to hear a shout of complete distemper.

_"That?!" _the voice howled. "_That _is your plan?! 'Surrender the Abbey, or we'll kill the otter brat?' Do you think any of my horde could find it in their hearts to slaughter an innocent cub? _WELL?! _"

Linwe was rather shocked. Kill an innocent otter-cub? Why, nobeast like these creatures could do such a thing! She hurried over to where the speaker was and saw that he was a tall, handsome, broad-shouldered hunk-of-a-weasel, with pitch black fur as dark as the night sky with a blazing splash of the most spectacular shade of gray on his gorgeous face.

In front of the weasel was a more-or-less equally good-looking stoat, only he was of a slender build, and had the most marvelous fur: a dreamy shade of tan with snowy-white streaks that gave the impression of feathers, giving him a rather angelic look.

"Er...no... I suppose not," the handsome stoat said, hanging his head a bit, and Linwe, being the good, pure-hearted creature that she was, couldn't help but feel sorry for him; he had only been trying to help his leader out, and it had all been for nothing!

Linwe turned her gaze back to the weasel, who gave a ferocious snarl and turned away, staring up towards the Abbey. "We have to show those fools that I cannot be defeated! But how..."

Linwe stared at the male weasel, whose gray stripe glowing so brightly as to put the moon to shame, and whose muscles were swelling beneath his coal-colored pelt in such a way that Linwe feared her heart would burst out through her chest, but then again she wouldn't die from _that,_ that hadn't been one of the two deaths that she and the Ego had picked out for her-

Suddenly an idea came to Linwe!

A slow smile spread its way across her perfect gorgeous features, and "The Evil One" stepped up behind the big huge handsome muscular dark-furred male weasel, changed her fur- and eye-color and apparel, and said in her prettiest tone, "I think I know..."

* * *

**A/N:** My Sue and LittlePsychoWolf's Sues have made contact! _AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!_

. . . . and then come back and read more. Hee hee hee!


	6. Things Are Looking Bleak

**A/N:** Sorry for the delay; it took SO LONG for LittlePsychoWolf to update, and when she did it was unexpected, so that's why it took me awhile to catch up. So blame her. ;)

Anyway, _ONWARD!!!_

* * *

Kelaiah shook his head in disgust as he witnessed a rather disturbing scene down on the lawn: Borrakul Ironchest had just exited the gatehouse in a stumbling fashion, wearing nothing but a loincloth and waving a floppy stage sword around, heading toward a nearby crowd of some _very_ excited otter-Sues who clapped and cheered as he came towards them. Whether the male otter was trying to fight off the Sues or not, Kelaiah didn't know and right now he really didn't care . . . well, not much, anyway. . . . 

But right now he was a bit more concerned with the bigger situation at hand: the Sue that he had been sent to kill had escaped him (_twice!_), the abbey was now almost entirely overrun with a gigantic army of Sues, and he had a civilian to take care of!

Kel glanced back at the civilian in question - the pine marten whose life he saved, Arawolf something or other . . . when Kel first heard the name he wondered vaguely if she were a Sue, but judging from her personality, she definitely was NOT.

The pine marten was now muttering darkly to herself, something about "stupid sues" and something about (or so Kel thought) "sparrows".

Kelaiah groaned; he wondered if this was how Matthias felt when he first met Basil Stag Hare. "Well," he said, heaving a rough sigh. "We better get you out of here before-"

_"What?!"_ shouted the pine marten, looking even more outraged than when he saved her life. "I'm not going anywhere, pal! I came here because I am a professional Sue-slayer and-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Kel interrupted. "I thought you said you were _trying_ to be a professional Sue-slayer?"

Arawolf blinked. "Uh . . . yeah . . . well that doesn't mean I'm not!" the female marten snapped.

Kel stared at her for a moment, then he reached into his habit sleeve, withdrew a laminated card, presented it to her matter-of-factly and said, "Here. Read 'em and weep."

Blinking once again, the pine marten took the card and read it. "924313837? What's this? Some kind of Sue-slayer badge or somethin'?"

_"Yes,"_ snapped Kelaiah, snatching the card back. "I got this _after_ I went through a whole series of Sue-slaying-training, with full recommendations. Now do _you_ have something like that?"

"Well . . . no. . . ."

"Then that makes _me_ the professional Sue-slayer, and you the civilian-!" But he was interrupted yet again by the pine marten.

"Hey! I don't need a badge to be a professional Sue-slayer! All I need is a garlic-coated sword and I'm good for the day!"

"Sooooooooooo," Kel said, looking her over. "Where is it?"

"What?"

"Your sword. Your garlic-covered sword. Where is it?"

Arawolf blinked for a third time, then her eyes widened, then she hung her head, muttering, "It got knocked away from me, right before you . . . _saved_ me."

Kelaiah blew air out his nose and turned and looked back down at the Abbey grounds. _Good,_ he thought. _She doesn't seem to be the type to be handling sharp pointy objects._

The ferret looked back down at the abbey grounds and noticed with great disturbance that the fighting abbeybeasts where really having their tails whipped. Kel then noticed something odd:

A mole and a hedgehog were fighting back-to-back, the mole facing a rat-stu, the hedgehog facing an otter-sue, both normal beasts fighting for their lives, yet were quickly overpowered, the rat slashing his sue-sword into the mole, the otter doing the same to the hedgehog, but then something happened next that. . . . well, it made Kel's eyes widen and his shoulders slump.

The mole turned Stu, but it didn't remain a mole. It turned into a rat, an extremely handsome, muscular one with gorgeous blue eyes and glossy black fur, his broad chest and narrow waist covered with gold-and-jeweled cross-belts. As for the hedgehog, it turned into a remarkably good-looking otter, with silver-streaked chocolate-brown fur and stunning amber eyes with orange flecks.

_Oh yeah,_ thought Kelaiah, recalling Laburnum Steelfang's Redwall Guide to Mary Sue. It had stated that species that Sues choose were never moles, voles, hedgehogs, or shrews. Kelaiah figured it had to do with the fact that those species weren't . . . how do you say? Attractive?

Apparently not only did the Sue-swords turn creatures into Sues, but they also changed their species if they were one of the "unattractive ones."

_"There!"_

Kelaiah jumped, nearly toppling over the ramparts and into the Sue-ish fray. _"What?!"_ he snarled impatiently, angry at his close accident.

Arawolf pulled a face at him. "You don't have to get so mean. _Look,"_ she added, pointing to an empty spot in the sea of Sues. "There's my blade! The garlic must still be fresh; the Sues won't go near it!"

And so it was: Ara's garlic-coated blade lay on the ground, untouched by the Sues, like an oasis of some sort.

"We can't get it," Kelaiah said, shaking his head. "There are too many Sues, they'd get us before we'd get it-"

By this time Ara was giving Kel a weird look before she shouted, "Why don't you just get it the same way how you got me?!"

The ferret blinked, then went, "Oh. Yeah, I could do that."

* * *

Within minutes Kelaiah had secured his grappling hook on one of the ramparts, swung down, slashing his blade in all directions, causing Sues and Stus to scatter in any way possible, grabbed the scimitar, swung back, and, with an exaggerated chivalrous fashion, presented it to Arawolf with a slightly sarcastic, "Milady, your blade." Although a part of him felt reluctant to give the pine marten her blade back, he knew he wouldn't be able to fend for himself and her at the same time. 

"Alright!" Arawolf screamed, getting a purely deranged look on her face that made Kel back away, holding his own blade in front of him.

"So what do we do now?!" the pine marten said, grinning maniacally. "Run in there are wreak havoc?!"

Okay, this marten was _definitely_ insane.

_"No,"_ said Kelaiah, as if it were the most obvious thing in the whole world. "Do you _really_ think that there is even the _slightest_ chance that two under-trained creatures like us could have against a whole _army_ of Sues?!"

"Well," said Ara softly. "We could _try. . . ."_

Kelaiah slapped his paw across his eyes, thinking, _Why me? Why me?_

* * *

While that was going on, the remaing Redwallers that had been able to hold out this long were Cregga, Jangular and Florian. However, the three of them suddenly saw that they were the only ones who were left, so they quickly began to fight their way back to the abbey building itself.

They passed by Predak and Vannan, who were still catfighting over the gorgeous male fox, who was still watching them with rougish amusement; they passed by Mokkan and Gelltor, who were still be fawned over by the Sue-vixens; they passed by Ziral who was still singing away for her captivated fox-stu-audience; and they passed by Borrakul, who was showing his group of otter-Sues how he and his late-brother had done the insult contest wearing breechclouts.

Cregga, who was still using a large tree-stump, held off the Sues while the other two banged on the door, screaming for those inside to let them in.

* * *

"How do we know you're not Sues?" challenged Song from inside. 

"SONG, YOU LISTEN TO YOUR DADDY RIGHT NOW OR I'LL SWING YOUR TAIL INTO NEXT WEEK!!!!" roared Jangular.

"Okay, I think that's really my dad," Song said conversationally as she unlocked the door.

Jangular, Florian, and finally Cregga all flung themselves inside the building and locked the door, piling all they could in front of it.

From the outside, the Sues began hacking away at the door with their twelve-foot swords.

"It's no use!" groaned Jangular. "They'll get in either way!"

"Gang way!" shouted a voice from behind.

Jangular turned just in time to see Lantur hurrying forward with a jar of garlic powder, which she flung over the threshold of the doorway.

"Quick! Hurry, line the windows with garlic!" the Marlfox shouted to the others, tossing more jars of garlic powder to them.

The other beasts did as they were told, knowing that it was their only hope.

* * *

Meanwhile, back up on the ramparts, Kelaiah had reached into his field pack (which he had been keeping under his habit the whole time . . . er, it's too difficult to explain how he kept it there, let's just say "By the magic of fanfiction" Kel was able to do such a thing) and brought out a tarp which he had laid out on the ramparts in order to avoid sitting on the Sue-tainted stone. After a few trying moments of telling Ara to get on the tarp, the skinny young ferret reached into his habit sleeve and withdrew a sleek black cell phone and began hurriedly punching its buttons with slightly quivering claws.

_C'mon, Adverk, c'moooonnnnn,_ Kel thought feverishly. _Whatever you're doing can't be as bad as this-_

"What?!" snapped an impatient voice on the other end of the line.

"Adverk?" Kel replied, slightly taken aback at the senior-Sue-slayer's tone; in the background were the slashing and clinking sounds of swords meeting and bloodcurdling Sue-ish screams.

"Kelaiah, I can't talk right now, I'm busy!"

"I don't care if you're busy!" Kelaiah cried, gripping at the phone desperately. "You gotta help me!"

"Ugh, arggh, hold on . . . eeeyyyyaaaaarrrrrrgggggg!" There was a sound of a blade swiping the air and a loud splattering noise followed by a Sue-ish howl. "I'm in the middle of a battle, can't you hear it?!"

"Yes, I can hear there's a fight going on!" Kel said, annoyed and frustrated.

"'s more than a fight, its a huge army, for cryin' out loud! AUGH! _Take that, _you blood-sucking freak of nature!"

Kelaiah jumped a little at Adverk's sudden scream, but plowed on relentlessly. "Look, there's an even bigger army of them _here_, inside Redwall's gates! We need reinforcements!"

"What?! An army at the Abbey too? Ah, great. Well, what do you have with you? Do you have a partner, a flame-thrower, or a garlic-sling?"

Kelaiah shook his head, even though there was no possible way that Adverk could've seen it. "No, all I have is a basic field pack and I didn't even plan on having a partner, which I now have and she's not even registered or indeed totally sane!"

_"What?!"_ Adverk now sounded even more incredulous than ever. "How could- hold on. Eeeerrrrrrgggggggg!" A sound of even more Sue-ish howls. "How could you not have any of those things if you're fighting a whole army of Sues?" the Sue-slayer demanded, his tone carrying a slight trace of disgust.

Kelaiah drew himself up, indignant. "Well, I was only here after one, I didn't plan on five hundred!"

_"Five hundred?! _You've got to be exaggerating!"

"No, I am not exaggerating!"

The only reply from Adverk was sarcastic silence.

"Okay, maybe I was a little, but can't you spare _anyone?"_

"Yeah, yeah, fine. I'll send two in. Eeeerrrrraggggg!" More Sue-ish howls.

"Two?" cried Kelaiah. "Oh, yeah, two's a _big_ help..." he added sarcastically, arching his eyebrows.

"They're _elites,_ you dimwit."

"Elites? Yeah, I guess that'll help, but I think you're still really... OH HE DID NOT!" Kelaiah tore the phone away and glared furiously at it. "He hung up on me!"

From behind the male ferret, the pine marten Arawolf hissed, "Put that _away! _The Sues have really messed with your head, mate, anachronisms like that only make things worse!" Kelaiah turned to glare at her, but she already had her back to him and was soon muttering something about "cthulhu" when suddenly-

"OMG! You have a phone too!" an annoyingly happy squeal nearly burst their eardrums. "But wait, the nice black weasel said you were vermin, and I have to take your pictures, I guess... Smile!"

Both ferret and marten looked up in startlement to see standing before them a beautiful otter-sue with silvery-brown fur. Kel didn't have time to see what color her eyes were (but then again, maybe he should've been thinking of other, more important things than the eye-color of otter-sues, right?), because in one swift, fluid motion she held up a sparkling pink camera-phone and pressed a button.

A brilliant ray of light shot out of the tiny lens, bathing ferret and marten in its glow. _No!_ was the last conscious thought Kelaiah had before his mind became a fuzzy golden-pink haze of Sue-ish-ness.

* * *

Just as quickly as it had happened, it ended. Kelaiah shook his head, realizing that drool was on his chin, and barely had time to wipe it off when Ara suddenly sprang to her feet, shrieking, "We've waited long enough! Death has come, Sues! C'mon, let's kill us some perversions of nature! Muahahahahaaaaaa!" 

Laughing like a total maniac, the martenmaid (heh, "martenmaid") drew her scimitar and bounded off down the stairs. Kelaiah groaned despairingly as he too jumped to his feet and took off after her, knowing that the Sues were up to something.

_This is not the first time I'm saving your bushy tail, Missy,_ the ferret thought darkly as he hurried down the steps after Ara.

As soon as they were on the Abbey grounds, however, they were greeted with a most unusual, and rather disturbing sight: Every last Sue and Stu was part of a vast circle, sitting on the lawn with linked paws, smiling and swaying happily together.

"You're just in time!" said a mousemaid with blue-gold eyes and sleek creamy fur in a most beautiful musical voice, smiling up at them with pearly teeth. "There's somebeast here waiting for you..."

The circle parted, and for some odd reason Ara actually walked right into it.

Kelaiah almost snorted. _Some Sue-slayer she'll turn out to be- (gasp)!_

At that moment, tall, dark figure stepped forward from the opposite end and walked gracefully towards Ara. The figure was a marten just like Ara, only this one was male, and adult, with dark fur black as the richest ebony, the fur under his chin growing to form what could be described as, "a purely devilish goatee". The handsome male marten's tall, perfectly muscular frame was swathed completely in elegant black. He gave a winning smile at the female marten, beckoning her forward with a dark paw.

Kelaiah saw the Stu wrap one arm around Arawolf, who looked horrifyingly blissful, and the surrounding Sues applauded. The male ferret gave a roar of fury and, throwing all caution to the wind, bounded into the circle, intent on killing the Stu, when a voice . . . the most beautiful and alluring voice he had ever heard, sounded near him.

Kel froze, and found himself turning, blinking as stupidly as Ara had, to see. . . . . 

. . . . an immensely beautiful ferretmaid.

If Kelaiah had been enchanted by Linwe's beauty at one point in time, this ferretmaiden put the squirrel to shame (in Kel's opinion anyway).

Her fur was the color of milk and cream, just as soft as the cream, and just as smooth as the milk. Her eyes were like emeralds set with a thousand diamonds, encircled by row on row of long, dark, curved lashes of the deepest ebony black. Framing her eyes was a velvety butterfly-shaped mask of the darkest inky black, accentuating the radiant brilliant dazzle of her glorious emerald orbs. Her face, shapely as a lily, was coming nearer, so bright and clear and lovely, growing more and more angelic with each passing second. Her slender, shapely, elegant form was clad in a deep dark green tunic embroidered with the finest gold and trimmed in black. About her there was a strong fragrant scent of strawberries and roses on a clear cloudless sunshiney day.

She spoke again, and it was only this time that he understood the words that fell from those wondrous rosepetal lips. "Your friend won't come to any harm. Relax, brave one, I've been waiting so long..."

_Can't . . . be . . . happening. . . ._ was Kelaiah's last conscious thought before his lips were engulfed by the Sues and her slender paws were coiling around him. . . .

* * *

**A/N:** Wow. That's Kelaiah's first kiss if you think about it. . . . 

Ferret-Kel: WHAT?! You mean to tell me my first kiss is with a SUE?! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WHEN HAVE I SUFFERED ENOUGH?! WHERE WILL IT ALL END?!

Ah heh, anyway. . . .


End file.
